mental health, Mindfulness, stress, anxiety, depression, help, support, Uncategorized, wellness

What Does Success Mean To You?

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I’m quickly learning that running your own business from home comes with its downfalls. Somedays you feel like you’ve made the best decision and you’re on top of the world, whilst other days you question WTF you were thinking trying to do this all. You realise that most of your time is spent alone in front of a laptop in your sweatpants.

When your well-dressed husband, who has been out in the real world comes walking through the door with a sense of achievement, you feel a tad jealous. You get paranoid that it looks like you’ve done nothing all day, so you start listing all the medial tasks when he asks how your day was, only to see that he’s still so preoccupied with his emails. You feel like you almost want to be back in the structure of corporate life, where you worked for someone else and most importantly, had a steady income each week.

This has been the topic of conversation for us lately. A few weeks ago, I finished up a part time contract role and had to face the reality of putting my heart and soul back into the business, 100 percent. All of Me. This was what I’d wanted for the last 10 years, so why wasn’t I jumping into my business with the passion and excitement that I expected? I sat quietly and had a light bulb moment. I only feel successful when I am making money, when I can see that same dollar value in my bank account every week. That’s when I feel like I am worthy in my life. I’ve also been in sales for 15 years, so like a well-trained soldier, my discipline or craft was making money. My mindset had become so used to measuring my self-worth via two scenarios; how much money I was earning and how much money I was making for whoever I was working for. In the early days of my career, someone so eloquently told me that I was “Only as good as my last sale.” Well how very motivating and inspirational! As the years went by, the messages were pretty much the same, just delivered differently and packaged up in pretty little bows disguised as compliments.

You see, what I’m starting to learn about myself is that money comes and goes. I haven’t turned into a full tree hugger burning notes while chanting around the camp fire! I still believe we need it to survive, but our mindset around success and how we define it needs to change. Just because I technically didn’t convert a sale this week, it doesn’t mean that I’m worthless and not working hard, or more importantly, working towards a purpose. We need to go easy on ourselves and remember that money and material possessions don’t define us and we are more than enough without the bells and whistles. Success can be anything you want it to be. For me, it’s helping a client see clearly when they feel like everything is hopeless, or dragging my butt out of bed at 5am to get to the gym. Better yet, it’s knowing that I can now cook at least 4 decent meals a week! Not kidding, a year ago “I used my oven for storage” as Carrie Bradshaw from SATC would say.

I want you to sit still for a moment and ask yourself “What makes me feel a sense of achievement that doesn’t involve money or possessions?” Only then will you start to feel a wholeness that can only be achieved when we connect deeply with our hearts and not through our wallets.

mental health, Mindfulness, Uncategorized, wellness

5 Signs of People Pleasing

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Don’t we all just want to be happy and get along? Most of us search for connection and understanding with others, desiring for life to be peaceful. We avoid conflict as much as possible.

Unfortunately, we also spend a lot of time doing things out of obligation, because we feel bad, because our family said so, or because we come from a culture of keeping people happy at the expense of our own peace. Self-defeating right? Well it doesn’t have to be….

I’m finally coming to understand that it’s ok to say NO, to put myself first and walk away from people who no longer support me and my vision for the future. It’s so hard to be honest with yourself and question why certain people are still your friends, or walk away from an interaction with someone, knowing they just suck the life out of you. The worst part? You agree to do it all again the same time next week, just to keep THEM happy and avoid that awkward conversation.

There are so many signs to show us how much people pleasing we actually do on a daily basis, but I’m going to share with you my experiences:

1) I don’t mind, whatever you feel like/want to do/want to go:

If you are always the one who is compromising your choices, tastes and preferences, you need to STOP. Share your opinions and what you would like to do with people and if they are not respecting that, it’s a clear sign they don’t respect you.

2) Blah blah blah blah, ok thanks for the chat – BYE!

If you have someone who always calls to dump their shit on you and doesn’t even ask how you are or bother to listen to what is happening in your world, move on. This person is self-absorbed and does not see the value in you, so why waste your energy.

3) Downplaying your own happiness and success:

There will always be people triggered by your happiness and ability to create the life you want. Clear signs are when that person makes passive aggressive comments or questions your choices with a smirk on their face, as if to catch you out and expose something sinister to their friends about what’s ‘really going on’. The sad thing is, that person is probably just really depressed in their own life and feeling jealous. Don’t shrink who you are to make them feel better. Have empathy but don’t waste too much time on them.

4) Ah, yeah, sure, ok, I can do that, um….:

The language of NO can be really tough, especially if it’s being said to our family and friends. Often, we say yes to things and days later we regret committing! Be honest with yourself and those around you. Phrases like, ‘I need to be at home this weekend’ or ‘thanks for asking me but I need some time out at the moment’ are not offensive, it’s just putting your needs first. Wouldn’t you rather be honest, than show up as a half-arsed version of yourself when you just aren’t feeling it?

5) 50 First Dates syndrome:

Do you have someone in your life where your friendship feels a bit like each time you meet, you need to warm them up like a car engine on a cold winter’s day? It’s always you accommodating for their social awkwardness or lack of connection. These friendships need to slowly die or end quickly – the choice is yours.

Life is way too short to waste time with the wrong people. Ending friendships and distancing yourself can be painful at first, but your future self will thank you one day I promise!